Let's Face It
Years before the inception of Alyx, a young me was enthralled by the idea of being paid to have sex with older men. Growing up in the early 90’s, I encountered some otherwise forgettable made for TV movie in which a SWer was depicted as a beautiful and empowered woman. The image stuck, and young me drew a direct correlation between SW and female beauty, desirability and power.
Naturally, I wanted to be beautiful, desired and powerful. So I grew up, and as I grew up, I found myself enamored of my friend’s fathers. Raised inside a white picketed fence bell jar, they were all doctors or lawyers or developers. This was the point at which teenaged me drew a direct correlation between suits and sexual attraction. I was now a teenager who wanted to be beautiful, desired and powerful. And I wanted to fuck my friend’s fathers.
Of course, I did not. But by the time I graduated college, married, and started a painfully bureaucratic job, my mind continued to wander back to my formative fantasy. I began to entertain the idea of entering the world of SW.
After a great deal of research and small scale toe dipping, I made my foray.
It felt right from the very first day. It felt like a part of me. As Alyx grew, so did her boldness. By the time I decided to entertain on a full time basis and move to Chicago, my friends, family & employers (at this point, I was working with startups and “being Alyx” part time) were all aware of what I was doing. And I am very fortunate that everyone was supportive of my choice.
I moved to Chicago. I began to showcase my previously blurred tattoos in my ads and on my website, yet still clung to the principle of obscuring my face. To me, blurring my face a way to keep my two increasingly intertwined lives separate. I felt that this was the “right” thing to do, but if asked, I could not have elaborated as to why. I suppose I was a bit torn. Torn between living out loud and feeling society’s weight telling me to hide.
The last 9 months of my live have been spent in Colorado. I’ve focused on other areas of my existence and put Alyx on the back burner. And one of the many revelations born of this period has been that I love Alyx, and that she will always be a part of me. I am happy with what I have accomplished during my hiatus, but have concluded that I need to not forego one part of my life for another.
I have been able to reflect on how she is an engrained part of me, and how I want to be able to share all of her with those who are intrigued. After all, the eyes .. the face .. say so much. They convey emotion and intent. And I wanted to be able to showcase all of this. All of me. I also reflected on a conversation with a former boss.
When asked what he foresaw ( from a professional standpoint) should my two worlds ever collide, he said, “Some doors will close. Others will open, because - let’s face it - sex sells. And others will remain unwavering.”
I also feel driven to rebel by today’s morally censored 1984ness. I want to do EXACTLY what our oppressors fear. I am a woman who fucks for pleasure and money. I am not a woman who tolerates sexual activities purely for the sake of procreation and adherence to some religious doctrine.
So here I am: Face unveiled, living out loud, fucking as I wish, and loving this life journey.